Funny pumping faces

Let's just say I got a little bored expressing milk the other day.

I turned on my camera and this is what happened.

I took you both running with me . . .

I bet you didn't know it but yesterday at around 4pm you two went for a run with me. I grabbed my camera and took these shots so that you two could join me along one of my favorite routes (complete with train tracks, vibrant grass, bridge, dirt trail, hills, and water).

Here's the route we took.

Down my apartment stairs:

Through the streets:

Over the railroad tracks:

Across the meadow:

Over the bridge:

Along the zig-zagging trail:

Next to the train:

And then back again to pass a bench and sunken ship with a bridge in the far distance:

Almost home! Just back over the train tracks as the sun sets:

Thanks for the company. I enjoyed bringing you both along to share the run. Also, not pictured here are two teenage boys hanging out at a bench and likely smoking pot as well as a man and his german shepherd that was swimming in the water.

Love to you both,

Ann

Little baby boy

My tian boy is growing so quickly. He's crawling, pulling to a stand, feeding himself and giggling up a storm. When the blur of life takes over, I like to sit back and look at pictures. It makes my heart ache to see his precious face and to realize how fast he is growing. I slow down and breath a little more slowly.

Here's to his first two weeks of life! Enjoy.

Perfection

One of those days.

1. Sleep in until 8:30am. Make bed and open window.
2. Heat up waffles in oven and then top with greek yoghurt and blackberries.
3. Sip tea with lime while reading about culturally appropriate everything (therapy, IQ tests, etc).
4. Repeat with a pizza from trader joes in between.
5. Add some ice cream and CBT while doing laundry.
6. Run alongside the waterfront and race a train.
7. Light a scented candle, play music, and dangle legs from my bar stool.

That's my kind of perfection. And finally: repeat as often as possible.

Love to you both!

A Beautiful Arizona Morning

This morning I woke up extra early. After breakfast I was enchanted with the soft cool breeze outside and decided to take a walk. This walk turned into an errand walk.

I live about a mile away from Sprouts Market (formerly Sunflower Market) and have been wanting to walk there for groceries for quite awhile. So, I grabbed my back pack and strutted out the door!


The walk was cheery and cool. I got to Sprouts in a little under 20 mins, did my shopping in less than ten (got myself some gluten free Celestial Seasonings tea)and was back home within about 50 mins!I was impressed. Here I was going to first go out for a walk and then hop in my car and drive to the market-all of that would have probably taken about the same amount of time!

I really love this idea of incorporating every day stuff and exercise. So often I find it difficult with time constraints or the weather or being too tired or you have too many groceries to get...but I have decided I will try. And I am going to see if I can convince Eugene to join me ;)

After coming home I could tell my hip felt pretty tight (a did a short run yesterday) so I pulled out my "Yoga for Everybody" cd and followed her "Mobility" session. Ahhh...a much needed stretch.

I think the only thing that could make this morning better is if I had the entire rest of the day off! But I suppose I'll have to make do with enjoying the rest of the morning with my tasty pot o' tea :-)

Awakening Beauty

Anger. Sadness. Exhaustion.

Those are the emotions I feel as my mind settles. The lovely book Awakening Beauty prods me to listen to my internal rhythms. I cringe but glance inward.




Ten years ago this fall I graduated from college and started medical school. As an earnest young woman, I knew education would give me options. My naivety told me that four year later with a medical degree and three years of marriage under my belt I should have the space to settle down. At 26 years old, I turned to my husband and gave him the space to pursue his training.

At med school graduation, I remember one male female couple that both hoped to study OB-GYN (delivery babies and perform woman surgery). The man matched and the woman did not. She had decided to wait. As we all lifted our champange glasses, I noticed that she did not sip hers. I thought she must be pregnant and felt sadness for her. Not that she would have a baby but the thought she despite her degree would never be able to follow her dream.

My mind flashes to organic chemistry lab. I sit with my red headed partner at our hood, bunsen burners gurgling greenish sludge. The lab partners next to us were a couple. They could have been siblings. Dirty brown hair with kind nondescript faces. I heard the woman say, "You go ahead and apply to medical school. I'll wait." Wait for what I thought. Three kids and a mortgage? She was by far the better student.




I've always liked to think that I am different from these woman. I went to medical school. I matched for a program. But I'm beginning to think the difference between the three of us is narrowing. Or has always been narrow.

Granted with my board certification in Pediatrics, I am able to work and earn a comfortable salary. I pay for everything. I make medical decision- admit patients, start antibiotics, counsel parents. I have to work.

But like these women I too did not follow my dream. My dream of of triple board in pediatrics, psychiatry and child psychiatry. There was no program for
Luke in those cities. And yet the program he started fizzled out in one and a half years. He quit, leaving a poorly run program and a wife in her second year of an abusive pediatric residency. I finished but barely.




Now I sit in primary care three years after completing my training with Luke starting his fourth year in a new program. He has two more years until his degree, three more until he can be licensed. I am done with my job. I regret not getting triple boarded. I feel cheated and angry. I am bored. I wait for Luke to finish.

I know I chose the training program I did. I wanted to be settled. I thought it was Luke's turn. I wish someone would have told me, "No, Joy, it is still your turn. Pursue your dream." It hurts to think that I too felt society's pressure to give my partner more space than is good for me. It hurts to think that I may be sexist against myself.

And so I take an egg-milk-lemon bath. I cry. I write. I give space for myself when society does not. I grieve the psychiatrist I will never be. I gently hold myself.

It helps.




I am grateful that I do have the training I do. I remember I do have a voice. I think of my gentle man who is my husband. I think of our struggle to balance life and work and training. I see the kind mothers who ask after my son and their gratitude for my care of their children. I look outside from my sage armchair and can almost feel the warm breeze on my tear dried face.

I choose space for myself. I awaken my beauty. I breathe.

Pain in the a$$

As you both are well aware, I have been having some not-so-easy-to-ignore pain in my hip and bum. Monday night and Tuesday night I woke up in the middle of the night hardly able to move. I've felt very desesperada as it seems as though it has gotten worse since I went to see both a PT and and Orthopedic Surgeon.

Well Tuesday (after a second night of waking up in pain so bad it made me cry!) I called into work I decided to give acupuncture a try. Thankfully Peaceful Spirit massage had an availability for me that day. I chose acupuncture A: because I had been so gung ho about foam rolling I actually created a constellations of bruises on my left outer thigh so I thought that actual massaged might not be a good idea and B: I've heard many good things about acupuncture.

My acupuncturists name is Reggie. He is a quirky little man who looks to maybe be Native American in part and perhaps part Chinese? Twice during my appointment he said (almost more to himself than me) "I am very good at what I do." Hahaha...the first time was when he started to put the needles in and I didn't feel it-and basically asked him if he had started to put them in. Then at the end when he actually looked at my leg alignment and adjusted me a bit like the chiropractor does; "I'm very good at what I do." The second time it almost seemed like he was reminding himself of it. I found it somewhat humorous.

The overall experience was quite positive. I felt about 90% better after the whole thing! And Reggie was very professional and let me even see the needles! After the session he said he'd like to see me back next week and to ONLY do light stretching. You can imagine my reaction "what?" granted I wasn't too shocked because my hip pain has been such that I haven't even wanted to work out. I had to ask him though. "on Saturday I'm signed up for a 5k..." he looked at me and made something of a cringing expression "well, its your body. We can just be good friends." haha. He didn't even seem to think walking it wouldn't be a good idea. *sigh* So I guess I'll go and donate my canned goods and cheer ppl on!

Run/Walk

I have decided to try and make some us of my working over night and write a short blog post.

As I have already told both of you (I believe), I saw an orthopedic surgeon and he seems to think that as long as a roll out my IT band I will be ok for running. So right after I saw him I went to the gym and did a run walk with a couple stops to foam roll.

I did that again today and it felt great! I ended up running a total for 20 mins and walking 15. I can tell that my cardio has gone down because I only did a 10 min mile for a short bit and got pretty out of breath.

But it feels good! I'm excited at the prospects of being able to get back in to running and not feeling uncomfortable while I do it. For startes though I am going to try and take it easy. Continue with my run/walks and thorough stretching/foam rolling.

We will see...maybe we can all run the disney half marathon next year!! :-D

DSM + Treadmill = ?

 + 

My newest news is that I now have a gym membership at the Y! The other day, while reading about health, I came across that fact that as humans we sit way more often than what is good for us. I don't know if that applies to both of you, but most of my days I have my butt in a chair so I can have my nose in a book. I decided to try something new and lugged my Bible-like DSM to the gym and used the elliptical while learning about mental retardation and then the treadmill while learning about the general chapters in the DSM and I continued visiting different machines and studying.

What I learned from the experience is
1) It is best to study from a less unwieldy book than the DSM. That thing keep shutting on me and once I almost knocked it off the stand onto my toeses.
2) I have the hardest time not exercising competitively. I purposely set the treadmill at a slow pace as the reason was to exercise while walking, not get an intense workout. But when on the eliptical or bike, I kept wanting to go faster, especially if there were people around me.

So the plan is to continue my walking studying. Second round I brought my ipad and studied off of digital flashcards there. I love imagining my future of a psychologist while diagnosing my patients. I can see myself thinking "Definitely he has MDD and how am I sure? I learned it while on the treadmill, mile 3."

Meditation

I just had to share. I have had a lovely morning. I managed to get myself out of bed and to the gym this morning. I had an intense 2 mile walk and then a great yoga class (ended with yummy back popping).

I have been trying to get more regular with meditation. I really miss being able to go to Tuesday night Mind Labs but I do have some guided meditation I found on CD. So I just did one now called the inner body meditation. It was about 20 mins and I think the most relaxed I have ever gotten from meditation. I frequently carry this ball of anxiety around in my chest and about halfway through I noticed that it had just melted away. Now I just wanna stay home and relax all day :P

If you're interested in at home meditation the one I used was from a two CD set called Eckhart Tole, Meditations for a New Earth.

Saturday all week long

Ok ok so I'll admit that I'm over due for a post. All I can say is the summer months are so enchanting here in Portland. I've come under the warm sun, no rain, homegrown tomato spell.
Saturday schedule:
-Bath with rolled oats, ground almonds and powdered milk and drops of tangerine and rosewood oils
-Play with smudge stick
-Run to lunch date with hubbie and babie
-Walk, hold baby, push stroller while meandering to mall (ugh!) to pick up Luke's suit for internship.
-Sleep like a baby.




If only I could have more Saturdays. The mix of rest and activity lulled me into a rhythm. I feel more grounded. I breath more fully.
I'm trying to bring my Saturday with me as I start this week. I'm trying to slow down as I fill out paperwork. Feel my body as I talk. Sit grounded as I express milk. Wiggle my toes for exercise. :)
As Thich Naught Han (sp?) says:
Every step is peace.
You have already arrived.

Location:Post already

The Unexpected Yoga Visitor

Last week I was taking a yoga class at my gym. This was the second time I had this instructor and I was already wondering why I had myself there again. Her style of teaching is as follows: stay glued to my mat, occasionally look up at my students, and talk in a, what I assume she perceives as, a soothing monotone voice. I kept telling myself, you're here for yoga, for the stretch, try and 'zen out' her voice and the fact that 90% of her students form is atrocious and she only looks up and says 'oh yes, you look great.' During her guided meditation in her first class she talked about rainbows and imagining whatever was bothering you was floating away on a cloud. So, I took her (in my mind) and sent her off on a cloud...

About ten minutes into this last class this gal walks in with headphones and very loudly grabs a mat walks to the front left corner of the class and plops down. At first I'm thinking, ok she is going to join us, but no. She bobs her head to her music (that you can hear) and at times sings along lowly as she stretches. The whole time this is happening I'm checking over at her thinking; maybe she is going to join in? and when I realized she wasn't I couldn't stop thinking 'What the fuck is wrong with you? Are you so dense that you didn't notice PEOPLE in here are obviously taking a class?' I went back and forth between that and thinking 'oh this is an interesting social experiment' and I considered how possibly in some obscure place in the world it would be OK for "YOU TO COME IN AN INTERRUPT MY YOGA CLASS!!!"

I, several times, wanted to walk over to her and say 'excuse me, we are having a class, could you please go outside?' but I did not do this for two specific reasons:

1. This responsibility I saw as the instructors, no? It is her job right?

2. She rather scared me, I saw her in the locker room the other day and secretly glared at her, but she looks like someone you wouldn't want to piss off-jock is the word that comes to mind, all brass no brains.

I kept thinking "Lord, who knows HOW long this loud lady will be in here?" Well, the instructor did nothing. I started envisioning my entire yoga class accompanied by noisy-headbanging-headphones-jock-girl.

Thankfully, that did not happen (she left after about five mins) - I couldn't handle irritation with my instructor and this rude individual all at the same time...that's just way beyond my current "zen level."

As the gal walked out, I heard her say to someone out in the main part of the gym "I don't know if I was supposed to go in there. Hahahahaha"

And then the instructor said sorry for that and thanks us for "being patient."

After all this I tried to come up with some sort of deep, elaborate lesson but I really just couldn't. I have to say though, by the end of the class I did feel nicely stretched and I felt this cool/warm feeling throughout my body as I rested in shavasana. So I suppose if there were a lesson to be learned it would be; keep doing yoga, it will always be there for you, but also be discerning in whom you let teach you. (I am ever grateful for the incredible technique that I have learned from Yoga Oasis that I can take with me when I take classes from instructors that aren't as good). I have to decide whether or not the stretch I get from yoga is worth the style of teaching of this instructor. I'll let ya know what I figure out ;)

Walking

I love to walk. I really do. Sometimes I think that all along I have wanted to walk but have made myself run because it is easier to get my heart rate up and burns more calories. Sometimes...;)

I have decided to try and take up walking more. I said I was going to start this when Ann was here ;) But I've been doing it a bit more. Last week I locked my keys in the car when I went to yoga at Chuze AND my phone so I had to walk home. It was hot but I enjoy how meditative it is!

Today I had the lofty goal of walking TO the gym, doing yoga and then walking home after. HAHAHA...I drove my tired ass to the gym, walked for about 10 mins before class and then after walked for about 20 or so. Now, post walking, my legs feel wonderful! They have that post workout feeling (that is also thanks to yoga too!)

I just had to share that. I think my next post I'll have to share about my annoying/humorous experience at yoga last Friday with the "wishy washy' instructor and our unexpected guest!!

Quality Pampering

I discovered the sea salt while exploring Pier 39 with Hannah this past week. The candle I bought from Walgreen a few weeks back. Yesterday I decided it was time for an in-home spa day. So I made myself a bath with salts, candle, avocado mask, and cucumber water to sip. I relaxed with Pema Chodron's warming voice as a background.

I Heart Breakout Studios

I like to, when I can, go to Breakout Studios on Saturday and take their DJ Dance Cardio class. It is such a fun class and it has help improved my coordination with dancing!

Well this Saturday I was covering someones shift at the desk (because they are taking a shift for me next week)from 12:30-4:30 so I figured I'd go in before hand and just make a day of it.

I went in at 10:30 for the TRX suspension class. I was telling Joy about it last night but here is an image of one of the exercises he had us do (it increases plank's intensity!)

Needless to say, it was an intense work out and I am still feeling it today. I am proud to say though that I'm not AS sore as I thought I'd be! It felt great to challenge myself but also to be somewhat good at it because most of the dance classes at Breakout I'm not too good at :P

I followed this class by Dance Cardio and, needless to say, was pretty pooped but didn't feel as though I had over done it which was a good feeling!

Additionally, Ann had requested a picture of the awesome door that is in studio C of Breakout Studios. While I was taking a picture of it Todd, the studio owner/director/choreographer, informed me that it was originally a jail door in Nogales Mexico and that it's over 100 years old!!

I don't understand my body

So after almost three (?) weeks sans running, I started my excursion today with a good deal of trepidation. Although I did yoga regularly this past week, I did not have any aerobic exercise since my time in Tucson. I expected to gasp for air, stumble along and maybe even succumb to (gasp!) walking.

Instead I flew. My body flew along, I felt so light, and even though the final hellish incline got my heart pitter-pattering hard, I managed it with only minimal effort. So the moral of the story is . . . I don't have one. I am left scratching my head and wondering: did my body need that long to recover? Or what? But it definitely makes me want to run again.

And on another note. I found an alternate yoga spot with wood flooring! See pictures below for my new asana spot.

A peak into the Yoga Room

Hi sisters! I wanted to share with you two the pictures of the yoga room in the San Francisco airport. I took them on my way back from my travels. No I didn't quite have the nerve to go in a do a downward facing dog. Next time, perhaps?

5,4,3,2,1...RUN! and be BIG.

Today I woke up still tired. Although I had finally had a good nights rest I still was feeling drained from work and the day before, although it was my day off, I was at home all day exhausted from a terrible cramping episode I had had that morning.

As I was at the shop preparing everything to open I felt my heart sink because I just felt tired and drained. This discouraged me because I had been very much hoping to go to the gym after work and then to Jazz 1 later that evening. I decided to let it go and not worry about it too much (oh because I never worry about anything anyhow ;)).

Well I am delighted to say that (Turkish delight delighted mmm!), after work I felt alright and made my way over to the gym. I had my heart set on running but knowing how my knee is I didn't pressure myself. I simply set the treadmill and gave myself a 10 min walking warm up. By 8 minutes I really wanted to run but I waited until 10. Then I worked my way into a slow jog and then run...

...I ended up running three miles! I even got a little sprinting in! It was fantastic!! My legs felt SO strong and light. I did start to get tired towards the end and made sure I slowed it down and wasn't over doing it on the incline (as I am inclined to do sometimes ;)

I finished off my run with ten more mins of walking to make sure I was well cooled down and of course stretched (oh and I did a little with the medicine ball-I thought of you Ann!)

After the gym I managed not to talk myself out of going to my second Jazz class ever. With the glorious ran pouring down all I really wanted to do was curl up and read a book but I went and I am very glad I did!

The teacher, Taylor, had us do a contemporary choreography and I got REALLY into it. We danced to Florence and the Machine "Hospital Beds." (which if you haven't heard pls youtube it!). Apparently she actually took it from an original that was hard rock). It felt rather relevant to my life right now seeing as I just started working in a hospital.

I loved the slow emotional movement. Its so freeing to FEEL the music and MOVE your body. This actually has probably been one of my favorite dance classes at Breakout yet simply because she made us do that awkward "walk across/dance across the floor in front of everyone" thing but she was very encouraging saying 'do you, be you' and not to worry/focus on what other people were doing. Slowly I warmed up. I can feel myself getting more relaxed with movement and its beautiful.

At one point she was going around talking about as a teacher she learns from her students during improv and one lady she mentioned she loved how 'big' she would get... stretching her arms out to the heavens etc and how important that is in dance. So different from how I think we have learned to be-that we need to take up less space. And that's how I'd like to end...just remember to be BIG. Reach your arms up to the heavens, move to music and take up space!

I love you ladies!

PS:I can't quite dance like that but it's inspiring isn't it?

What to do when you don't want to do anything

Last week I went into a mini-hibernation. After returning from my trip to find my car broke down, going through the magnificent effort to get it fixed and the stress of considering a new car, I was spent. Plus all the joys and business of the past four weeks of travel left me feeling full. I found myself not wanting to do anything. Instead I watched countless Voyager episodes until I could see the characters walking around in my mind. I refused to even meditate except maybe once last week.

All of a sudden I felt like quitting everything and going on strike. I listed all the activities that I should be doing: oils, yoga, running, NTC, reading, writing, meditating, finding a new room, looking for a car, and I had no desire to do any of them. Instead I puttered. I made soggy sweet potato fries, kale chips, drank buckets of strawberry water, and begrudgingly showered as needed.

School started on Monday and I am slowly easing myself into it. I am spending incredible amounts of times feeling cranky and petulant. It feels like such a relief! Today I did do yoga but under the stipulation that I would focus on finding the joy in every pose instead of perfection. I also painted my toe nails purple.

Recovery week

Our poor blog has been feeling a little neglected! And Tian is not ok with that! He is giving me the stinky face! I do believe it might be about my turn anyhow to post!

The title of my post is "Recovery Week" simply because I need one!! Well that and in some ways I see this week as a recovery week. While Ann was here we did Yoga, Dance, and the gym! (While that was all fun I am enjoying having a little more personal space and time, despite working more). Having someone to go workout with really does add to the chances that I'll go! Also, bringing Ann to Breakout and Chuze was loads of fun because she brought a fresh perspective to the places and got me to try things I hadn't!

I'd like to highlight some of my favorite parts of Ann's visit in regards to being active!

Pop Choreo is one. I really loved the class we went to (and really wish the gal teaching wasn't a sub because I loved her). Its wonderful to be able to dance even when you really don't have the technique or background.

Chuze circuit- There is this curves-like circuit at Chuze that I have been "meaning to try" since I joined but being a creature of habit I had not stepped foot into that area. Well with Ann here I did it twice! I rather like it and it was fun too because I had someone with me to talk to and stay motivated with! I might even go today and do the circuit :)

YOGA- this has to be in caps. I <3 yoga. I really cannot express enough how much I love yoga oasis and what a centralizing hub (does that make sense?) it has been for me. When I really can no longer find any sort of comfort in Christianity and its beliefs I have found myself turning to yoga as something of a 'religious' experience.

Mind Lab - this i just starting going to, and although it isn't technically "exercise" meditation is definitely a mental exercise. I started doing mind lab around a month ago and all the times I had gone it was a sub, but very timely the one time Ann was here and went it was the actual teacher (see below a picture of the uni-browed man). I am glad too, because he was by far much better than the subs!

I could say so much more but as the line goes "More isn't always better. Sometimes it's just more."