One of those days.
1. Sleep in until 8:30am. Make bed and open window.
2. Heat up waffles in oven and then top with greek yoghurt and blackberries.
3. Sip tea with lime while reading about culturally appropriate everything (therapy, IQ tests, etc).
4. Repeat with a pizza from trader joes in between.
5. Add some ice cream and CBT while doing laundry.
6. Run alongside the waterfront and race a train.
7. Light a scented candle, play music, and dangle legs from my bar stool.
That's my kind of perfection. And finally: repeat as often as possible.
Love to you both!
Sunday, October 28, 2012
Wednesday, October 24, 2012
A Beautiful Arizona Morning
This morning I woke up extra early. After breakfast I was enchanted with the soft cool breeze outside and decided to take a walk. This walk turned into an errand walk.
I live about a mile away from Sprouts Market (formerly Sunflower Market) and have been wanting to walk there for groceries for quite awhile. So, I grabbed my back pack and strutted out the door!
The walk was cheery and cool. I got to Sprouts in a little under 20 mins, did my shopping in less than ten (got myself some gluten free Celestial Seasonings tea)and was back home within about 50 mins!I was impressed. Here I was going to first go out for a walk and then hop in my car and drive to the market-all of that would have probably taken about the same amount of time!
I really love this idea of incorporating every day stuff and exercise. So often I find it difficult with time constraints or the weather or being too tired or you have too many groceries to get...but I have decided I will try. And I am going to see if I can convince Eugene to join me ;)
After coming home I could tell my hip felt pretty tight (a did a short run yesterday) so I pulled out my "Yoga for Everybody" cd and followed her "Mobility" session. Ahhh...a much needed stretch.
I think the only thing that could make this morning better is if I had the entire rest of the day off! But I suppose I'll have to make do with enjoying the rest of the morning with my tasty pot o' tea :-)
Thursday, October 4, 2012
Awakening Beauty
Anger. Sadness. Exhaustion.
Those are the emotions I feel as my mind settles. The lovely book Awakening Beauty prods me to listen to my internal rhythms. I cringe but glance inward.
Ten years ago this fall I graduated from college and started medical school. As an earnest young woman, I knew education would give me options. My naivety told me that four year later with a medical degree and three years of marriage under my belt I should have the space to settle down. At 26 years old, I turned to my husband and gave him the space to pursue his training.
At med school graduation, I remember one male female couple that both hoped to study OB-GYN (delivery babies and perform woman surgery). The man matched and the woman did not. She had decided to wait. As we all lifted our champange glasses, I noticed that she did not sip hers. I thought she must be pregnant and felt sadness for her. Not that she would have a baby but the thought she despite her degree would never be able to follow her dream.
My mind flashes to organic chemistry lab. I sit with my red headed partner at our hood, bunsen burners gurgling greenish sludge. The lab partners next to us were a couple. They could have been siblings. Dirty brown hair with kind nondescript faces. I heard the woman say, "You go ahead and apply to medical school. I'll wait." Wait for what I thought. Three kids and a mortgage? She was by far the better student.
I've always liked to think that I am different from these woman. I went to medical school. I matched for a program. But I'm beginning to think the difference between the three of us is narrowing. Or has always been narrow.
Granted with my board certification in Pediatrics, I am able to work and earn a comfortable salary. I pay for everything. I make medical decision- admit patients, start antibiotics, counsel parents. I have to work.
But like these women I too did not follow my dream. My dream of of triple board in pediatrics, psychiatry and child psychiatry. There was no program for
Luke in those cities. And yet the program he started fizzled out in one and a half years. He quit, leaving a poorly run program and a wife in her second year of an abusive pediatric residency. I finished but barely.
Now I sit in primary care three years after completing my training with Luke starting his fourth year in a new program. He has two more years until his degree, three more until he can be licensed. I am done with my job. I regret not getting triple boarded. I feel cheated and angry. I am bored. I wait for Luke to finish.
I know I chose the training program I did. I wanted to be settled. I thought it was Luke's turn. I wish someone would have told me, "No, Joy, it is still your turn. Pursue your dream." It hurts to think that I too felt society's pressure to give my partner more space than is good for me. It hurts to think that I may be sexist against myself.
And so I take an egg-milk-lemon bath. I cry. I write. I give space for myself when society does not. I grieve the psychiatrist I will never be. I gently hold myself.
It helps.
I am grateful that I do have the training I do. I remember I do have a voice. I think of my gentle man who is my husband. I think of our struggle to balance life and work and training. I see the kind mothers who ask after my son and their gratitude for my care of their children. I look outside from my sage armchair and can almost feel the warm breeze on my tear dried face.
I choose space for myself. I awaken my beauty. I breathe.
Those are the emotions I feel as my mind settles. The lovely book Awakening Beauty prods me to listen to my internal rhythms. I cringe but glance inward.
Ten years ago this fall I graduated from college and started medical school. As an earnest young woman, I knew education would give me options. My naivety told me that four year later with a medical degree and three years of marriage under my belt I should have the space to settle down. At 26 years old, I turned to my husband and gave him the space to pursue his training.
At med school graduation, I remember one male female couple that both hoped to study OB-GYN (delivery babies and perform woman surgery). The man matched and the woman did not. She had decided to wait. As we all lifted our champange glasses, I noticed that she did not sip hers. I thought she must be pregnant and felt sadness for her. Not that she would have a baby but the thought she despite her degree would never be able to follow her dream.
My mind flashes to organic chemistry lab. I sit with my red headed partner at our hood, bunsen burners gurgling greenish sludge. The lab partners next to us were a couple. They could have been siblings. Dirty brown hair with kind nondescript faces. I heard the woman say, "You go ahead and apply to medical school. I'll wait." Wait for what I thought. Three kids and a mortgage? She was by far the better student.
I've always liked to think that I am different from these woman. I went to medical school. I matched for a program. But I'm beginning to think the difference between the three of us is narrowing. Or has always been narrow.
Granted with my board certification in Pediatrics, I am able to work and earn a comfortable salary. I pay for everything. I make medical decision- admit patients, start antibiotics, counsel parents. I have to work.
But like these women I too did not follow my dream. My dream of of triple board in pediatrics, psychiatry and child psychiatry. There was no program for
Luke in those cities. And yet the program he started fizzled out in one and a half years. He quit, leaving a poorly run program and a wife in her second year of an abusive pediatric residency. I finished but barely.
Now I sit in primary care three years after completing my training with Luke starting his fourth year in a new program. He has two more years until his degree, three more until he can be licensed. I am done with my job. I regret not getting triple boarded. I feel cheated and angry. I am bored. I wait for Luke to finish.
I know I chose the training program I did. I wanted to be settled. I thought it was Luke's turn. I wish someone would have told me, "No, Joy, it is still your turn. Pursue your dream." It hurts to think that I too felt society's pressure to give my partner more space than is good for me. It hurts to think that I may be sexist against myself.
And so I take an egg-milk-lemon bath. I cry. I write. I give space for myself when society does not. I grieve the psychiatrist I will never be. I gently hold myself.
It helps.
I am grateful that I do have the training I do. I remember I do have a voice. I think of my gentle man who is my husband. I think of our struggle to balance life and work and training. I see the kind mothers who ask after my son and their gratitude for my care of their children. I look outside from my sage armchair and can almost feel the warm breeze on my tear dried face.
I choose space for myself. I awaken my beauty. I breathe.
Pain in the a$$
As you both are well aware, I have been having some not-so-easy-to-ignore pain in my hip and bum. Monday night and Tuesday night I woke up in the middle of the night hardly able to move. I've felt very desesperada as it seems as though it has gotten worse since I went to see both a PT and and Orthopedic Surgeon.
Well Tuesday (after a second night of waking up in pain so bad it made me cry!) I called into work I decided to give acupuncture a try. Thankfully Peaceful Spirit massage had an availability for me that day. I chose acupuncture A: because I had been so gung ho about foam rolling I actually created a constellations of bruises on my left outer thigh so I thought that actual massaged might not be a good idea and B: I've heard many good things about acupuncture.
My acupuncturists name is Reggie. He is a quirky little man who looks to maybe be Native American in part and perhaps part Chinese? Twice during my appointment he said (almost more to himself than me) "I am very good at what I do." Hahaha...the first time was when he started to put the needles in and I didn't feel it-and basically asked him if he had started to put them in. Then at the end when he actually looked at my leg alignment and adjusted me a bit like the chiropractor does; "I'm very good at what I do." The second time it almost seemed like he was reminding himself of it. I found it somewhat humorous.
The overall experience was quite positive. I felt about 90% better after the whole thing! And Reggie was very professional and let me even see the needles! After the session he said he'd like to see me back next week and to ONLY do light stretching. You can imagine my reaction "what?" granted I wasn't too shocked because my hip pain has been such that I haven't even wanted to work out. I had to ask him though. "on Saturday I'm signed up for a 5k..." he looked at me and made something of a cringing expression "well, its your body. We can just be good friends." haha. He didn't even seem to think walking it wouldn't be a good idea. *sigh* So I guess I'll go and donate my canned goods and cheer ppl on!
Well Tuesday (after a second night of waking up in pain so bad it made me cry!) I called into work I decided to give acupuncture a try. Thankfully Peaceful Spirit massage had an availability for me that day. I chose acupuncture A: because I had been so gung ho about foam rolling I actually created a constellations of bruises on my left outer thigh so I thought that actual massaged might not be a good idea and B: I've heard many good things about acupuncture.
My acupuncturists name is Reggie. He is a quirky little man who looks to maybe be Native American in part and perhaps part Chinese? Twice during my appointment he said (almost more to himself than me) "I am very good at what I do." Hahaha...the first time was when he started to put the needles in and I didn't feel it-and basically asked him if he had started to put them in. Then at the end when he actually looked at my leg alignment and adjusted me a bit like the chiropractor does; "I'm very good at what I do." The second time it almost seemed like he was reminding himself of it. I found it somewhat humorous.
The overall experience was quite positive. I felt about 90% better after the whole thing! And Reggie was very professional and let me even see the needles! After the session he said he'd like to see me back next week and to ONLY do light stretching. You can imagine my reaction "what?" granted I wasn't too shocked because my hip pain has been such that I haven't even wanted to work out. I had to ask him though. "on Saturday I'm signed up for a 5k..." he looked at me and made something of a cringing expression "well, its your body. We can just be good friends." haha. He didn't even seem to think walking it wouldn't be a good idea. *sigh* So I guess I'll go and donate my canned goods and cheer ppl on!
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